What Do I Do If My Child Disagrees With Me?

If you read this article, you have probably asked yourself: what do I do if my son does not agree with me? You may think that when they were little, our children used to agree with us on almost everything. However, as they grow older, they mature physically, emotionally, and intellectually. For this reason it is normal that, from time to time, there are differences in the relationship.

What to do then when the first discrepancies start to appear? In any case, divergent points of view regarding some important issues: goals, schedules, norms …

It is very important to know what to do at this time, because it will be from now on when a break may begin to occur or, on the contrary, a greater unity with the child.

Differences with children are accentuated at puberty

Let’s be realistic. When we were young we went through the same situation with our parents. For various reasons we did not agree with any behavior, norm or decision that they put on the table. According to Parra and Oliva (2002), the conflict in social relationships is accentuated during the children’s puberty. In fact, they point out that the origin of the conflict may be due to various causes.

One of them is found in the difference between what parents expect from their children and their actual behavior. Likewise, the differences could be due to critical cognitive processes with respect to family norms or parental models.

Children’s disagreement and communication

As you can see, that children express their disagreement is not strange within the family dynamics, nor is it necessarily a bad thing. On the contrary, the fact that the children question decisions or points of view means that they are developing their mental capacities and their own criteria. In other words, they are maturing.

However, what can generate red flags is the way in which children express their disagreement.  In fact, lack of communication or skills related to it is what usually causes conflict in the family. This problem is accentuated by the absence of a warm and understanding family context.

The aforementioned article points out that, between childhood and adolescence, communication in the family deteriorates and becomes more difficult. Therefore, if we ask ourselves what to do if our son does not agree with us, we should think about improving communication.

What do I do if my child disagrees

According to Gloria Elena Franco, author of the book “ Communication in the family” , communicating requires personal forgetfulness in order to be interested in the other person. That is, leave our thoughts for a moment to listen and understand the other person.

Listen carefully

In fact, the objective of communication is fulfilled when there is exchange. This includes knowing the way of thinking, feeling or acting from one person to another. So if your child shares his feelings, listen to him. However, communication is a science that is learned and improved with practice.

Avoid making mistakes in communication between parents and children. For example: generalizing, criticizing, yelling, physically or psychologically abusing your child or simply not paying attention. Rather, listen carefully to what he says until he’s finished. Remember, your goal should be to know what your child really feels and thinks. For this you will need a lot of patience and, above all, self-control to control your impulses to judge or threaten him.

Avoid overreaction

If you overreact, your child will probably decide not to talk to you anymore to avoid fights. Also, you will not have the moral authority to teach him to communicate or to ask him to behave appropriately. If your child disagrees with you and you just feel like you’re going to explode, pause the conversation. Unless you are calm, you will not be able to deal with the matter effectively. However, the goal is not to avoid confrontation but to buy time.

Being calm will allow you to think better about the situation. In fact,  meditating will help you understand your child’s posture. Consequently, you will be able to face the conflict in an uplifting way and thus arrive at a peaceful solution.

Final comments

Even if there is good communication, sometimes parents and children simply do not agree in their opinions. This is also normal since your children are not a copy of you. They have the freedom of choice and thought. You must be aware that not everything they think will be to your liking. Therefore, respect in the relationship is essential.

Actually,  having an open emotional attitude will help in conflict resolution; If you react in a negative and imposing way, the only thing you will achieve is that your children stay away from you. In case this happens, you will not be able to advise them in making decisions. You must bear in mind that  if your child does not agree with you, it does not mean that they do not love you. In fact, it  is very likely that you can reach an agreement through communication, respect and understanding.