Intermittent Relationships Are Torture

In many dependent relationships, partners force a new start in the relationship by trying to start from scratch. The problem is that everything previously experienced has a weight.

Many couples have intermittent relationships. This means that they break up and give themselves a new chance over and over again. This is because they have a problem that they do not know how to solve and whose choice to take time and come back only wears out the relationship.

Intermittent relationships usually occur when a couple has been together for many years or one of its members (or both) suffers emotional dependence. These types of situations lead them not to end their relationship and try to give themselves a new opportunity. They cannot conceive of losing the other person. The problem with all this is that it ends up being a real torture.

The torture of multiple duels

Throughout our lives we will have to face many duels. The mourning for losing a very dear person, for a couple breakdown, for ending an employment contract … They are difficult, hard processes, but they really help to heal.

Next, we are going to see the different phases of grief and how people in intermittent relationships act in each of them. If you feel identified or you realize that you are in one of these phases of grief and do not move forward, we recommend that you seek professional help.

Phases of a duel

• Denial : you do not want to see reality and even the person acts as if nothing had happened. When denial falls away on its own, it enters the next phase.
• Anger – A phase where members blame each other for the relationship disaster, problems, and why it hasn’t worked out. It is a period in which only the bad is remembered and in which the one who was a couple is seen with anger.
• Sadness : this is when, after losing control with anger, a very strong emotion, just another one arises. An immense sadness that paralyzes, that allows the couple to remember the good times and feel nostalgic because they are in the past.
• Negotiation : you try to get back with your partner and, in intermittent relationships, the members succeed. The sadness makes them remember how much what they lived was worth. Therefore, they give themselves a new opportunity. They refuse to give up on that relationship.

The last of the phases would be that of acceptance. Accept that the relationship does not work, that whenever a new opportunity arises, another failure can be predicted. Therefore, the wisest and healthiest thing for the members of the relationship is to break up for good.

However, members of intermittent relationships do not want to accept that their relationship has an end. Therefore, in the negotiation phase, they agree to give themselves another chance. Possibly under the premise of “I’m going to change.”

Intermittent relationships and fears

The fact that intermittent relationships are unable to reach the final phase of grief has to do with fears. People who have been with their partner for more than 6 or 8 years have lived so many experiences and are so attached to the other person that they do not see it possible not to fight for their relationship.

For this reason, despite the fact that the ruptures (sometimes camouflaged under “I need some time”) are synonymous with something not working, they keep trying at all costs. It doesn’t matter how much they are suffering. They are unable to see other alternatives.

It is normal to have a relationship crisis, but it is not normal to break up and come back, and so on. They go through many small duels that affect the members of the relationship and that wear down their bond. Meanwhile, the root of the real problem is unknown.

In the case where the members are codependent, the same dilemma arises. Intermittent relationships manifest the impossibility of living without the other, of doing life without him. It seems that it is difficult to let go of that person and that we force a new beginning of relationship. As if we could start from scratch when in reality we cannot.

What hasn’t worked won’t work

What’s the problem with the relationship breaking up and resuming multiple times?  If the problem is that our personality and that of our partner collide in some aspect, there are different perspectives on life or we have objectives that cannot be related (one wants to live abroad, another to stay in their native country), no there will be a way. Promises of change and  attempts to reconcile the impossible will not pay off.

If, on the contrary, it is a problem because both people work together or have children and stress can take them, then we must see how to manage the situation correctly. Seeking professional help or going to couples therapy can help.

On-and-off relationships are torture. So we have to see where the problem is. If we are giving ourselves opportunities that are useless or if, on the contrary, we have to learn to better manage some aspect of our lives.